do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
