Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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