Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
