Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
