quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
