Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
