im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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