you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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