I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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