If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
