Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
