i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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