next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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