I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
