This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
