I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Sober January is a disaster.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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