The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
