I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
