I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
ttyl tear gas
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize