grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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