I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just found a bag of teeth...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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