You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
