Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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