I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
