so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
