it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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