It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
