Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
