Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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