apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
