You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She bit a glass in half.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
