If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm bleeding and have questions
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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