Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize