o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
