Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
