I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The struggles of a small town man whore
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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