Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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