why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
