Life is so much better after having sex.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
