Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
