So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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