You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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