No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
