why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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