i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
