If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
