i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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