Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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