It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
