He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
