do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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