I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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