i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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