so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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