Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
