i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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