listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
