Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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