I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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