P.S. I can't hear my feet
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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