if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
